6 ½ things that absolutely cannot happen in 2017

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Startups exist in a fragile ecosystem that can, under no circumstances, be disrupted in the coming year. Here is a quick read through of the things that absolutely cannot happen to ensure the delicate balance is maintained.

1) Ikea cannot stop selling inexpensive desks and chairs. Young startups cannot afford any other office furniture. Besides, no other furniture would fit with the startup style. Only Ikea furniture, positioned next to brick walls and sitting below exposed plumbing, complete that inspired look young businesses need.

2) MacBooks cannot get any slower. AKA: Bring on the new processors, Apple! Without an upgrade, the only logical and unavoidable result is the slowing, and possible stagnation, of the entire startup world. Tim Cook, that old pea counter, holds all the power in his hands. It is entirely up to him, whether we will see more innovation from startups in 2017.

3) And while we’re still on Apple, the next iPhone absolutely cannot be an iPhone 7s. We need an iPhone 8! No one wants, or can use, an uninspired and barely improved phone to take care of startup-related matters. And because earlier versions of the iPhone will all likely stop working in October 2017 anyway, communication as we know it would break down. By the way, here at The Heureka, we have exclusively discovered through our most trustworthy sources that Apple is already working on the next version of its operating system: it will be called iOS 11 and it will be even more “awesome.” Don’t forget – you read it here first!

club_mate_kasten4) Production of Club-Mate cannot be stopped. The consequences would be roughly the same as if Apple continues to produce slower MacBooks. Except instead of slower laptops, it will be the startuppers (startup employees) that lag. Conventional wisdom seems to agree that Berlin (yes, the entire city) cannot exist unless it gets its mate fix. Those yellow bottles with their blue lids are everywhere!

5) In 2017, there cannot be fair deals on Die Höhle der Löwen, the German equivalent of Shark Tank. In all seriousness, how are we supposed to spend our time otherwise in August, September and October? There’d be nothing else to get riled up about! And what are we supposed to talk about in the evening or during our afternoon lunch breaks? The Höhle der Löwen is like the tabloid front page for the startup world: if you don’t know what it says, you cannot join the conversation.

6) Financing rounds are not allowed to have concrete sums. We love non-binding uncertainty, especially when it comes to mid-single digit million euro sums. Even when it eventually comes to light that it was “only” one and a half million. Regardless, this can be rounded. Positive thinking FTW. Also, startups cannot lose their status as a market leader. Even if this means using a hundred words to restrict the market enough for this to still hold true.

6.5) The “Work hard, play hard,” and “Get shit done,”  posters cannot be discontinued. It is simply not possible to make it through the day without motivation on the walls, or else we will forget that we are here to achieve something. Not to mention… all of the hip startups in Silicon Valley have similar messages on their walls. Clearly these motivational posters guarantee success! Oh, and just to make sure we don’t become side tracked with details: Done is better than perfect. And in this sense…

 

This article was originally published on Gruenderszene.

Translation by Christine G. Coester

Image via Club-Mate and Seo2 | Por Puro Amor Al Rap

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